I sat down to begin my work, just as always. The same dim light cast its subtle warmth behind my computer screen barely illuminating the room behind me. Nothing out of the ordinary and business as usual, at least to an outside observer.
half an hour passes, my screen still projecting an empty virtual canvas waiting patiently for my input of colour shades and seductive imagery. If my canvas could talk, it would probably ask what I’m waiting for. Then, looking at my clock with disbelief, I realise a whole hour has passed and still staring back at me is an empty, untouched canvas.
The truth is, I wasn’t sitting at my my desk overwhelmed with indecision as to what I needed to do. Quite the contrary. Instead, a new path was revealing its colourful audacity to me in my minds eye. One of exploration, curiosity and experimentation.
In my last article talking about a very engaging conversation and evening with Sophia, in which her powers of observation were made apparent to me, she brought to light a few things that I already knew, but either ignored or repressed them, or both.
Perhaps it was the external confirmation that caused me to pay more attention, or maybe she just said her words in the correct manner and tone, either way, the truth is still the same. My story has changed and so have the stories I want to tell.
I have spent almost a decade focusing primarily on erotic/seductive art, first as a pleasure, then as a small business and can no longer ignore the fact that I have just merely been going through the motions of late, performing what I know, rather than truly creating.
This is evident in my recent level of output. Although I continue to do private photoshoots for clients (which I have enjoyed far more than my usual works recently) I have naturally moved further away from the “reasons” that used to dominate my creative energy. This is not a giving up on Raine by any means, as this style of art will always be a love of mine and I have bigger plans for the future regarding the direction of Raine. However, the person I was who first created Raine and the person I am now is fundamentally different. The narrative has changed along with the identity, the themes I have based my entire belief structure around have changed and my perspectives on love, lust and seduction, the themes which have driven my work for so many years has shifted dramatically.
This has presented to me an unavoidable knowing that I am no longer creating from a place of authenticity, but instead, a version of myself that no longer exists.
When I sat at my desk, staring into the screen, it wasn’t quiet, like the stillness of the room would suggest. No, it was deafening. Everything I have experienced, everything my previous self had endured and overcome, the joys, the losses, the successes, the grief, the excitement, the heartaches… Everything, all at once, that has not been given its justified creative expression, of which, cannot be achieved through my current medium of digital art (I have tried and failed more than a few times).
It’s clear to me now, that after a few years of navigating some incredibly complex psychological territories and immense internal development, the person I have become is not willing to compromise on authenticity and real creative expression. There are stories that need to be told, there are ideas yearning for my immersion within them and their insistence on that exploration surely matches my own.
I need a paintbrush in my hand again, abusing one canvas with anger and dominance and caressing another with soft strokes and subtlety. I need to re-familiarise myself with the hand cramps that accompany the cutting of real stencils, I need scale and the rawness of using my body to release and create authentic output (A lot of “need”… This demon is hungry).
As I enter this new, exciting chapter, this does not mean the eradication of Raine. The written work will still continue and I may be willing to share a few unreleased short stories I have been working on for a while in the near future. But for now, Raine will exist in the shadows, resting and recalibrating.
I will be documenting my journey and releasing my works under a different, more personal name, separate from Raine, that tells a more personal story. I may share that name in the future, but for now, my only objective is to immerse myself.
Fuck, This is going to get messy… And I cant wait…
Thank you to those who have supported the Raine works over the years and continue to do so. He will return when he’s ready.